Apr. 29th, 2017

hollymath: (Default)
The 5k obstacle course I signed up for is tomorrow.

So of course today I get sick.

I feel bad because I've already paid and I was planning to do it with my friend. But my body has very definitely done that "you've done Too Many Things so I'm going to make you sick enough that you stop!" thing that I recognize so well.

And I have done too much this week. But it's been worth it to keep Lib Dem stuff going, and it's been interesting. But man, even with 24 hours "off" between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon, it's taken a huge toll on me.

Not just in hours spent but being responsible and having to make decisions all the time is grinding me down. This is so the opposite of what I signed up for.

But things change, and things need doing, and done is better than perfect.

Epiphany

Apr. 29th, 2017 11:40 pm
hollymath: (Default)
My period showed up today, a rare and surprising event because the birth control I'm on means that I have only a few every year.

Usually they're pretty easy to manage but occasionally I have one that reminds me why I started taking the birth control in the first place. I used to be one of those people who'd miss a day of work a month with them. Missing a 5k obstacle course seems even more understandable.

But I'd been eating myself up about it. I worried that I wasn't "really" sick, or not sick "enough," that it's "just anxiety," that I was making excuses... This is common enough but I think it was especially bad because I was missing an exercise thing. The most virtuous of all things, exercise!

Skipping that wasn't just bad in a "I've already paid for this" sense, or a "I'm supposed to be doing this with my friend" sense, but in a moral sense. I try very hard not to attribute Goodness and Evil to various habits but obviously I'm failing miserably at that based on my reaction here. I know it's illogical but if you could logic yourself out of what society has ingrained into you, the world would be a very different place.

It might also explain part of why my emotions have felt so uncontrollable lately. Obviously some of that is legitimate--life has been demanding and stressful--but I've also been unsettled at the feeling that these reactions are unusual for me. That's been going on for too long to be PMS, but it means it's likely things are not as thoroughly awful as I'd imagined. Which is good, because everything has seemed pretty bleak lately and it'd be great to be wrong about that.

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