hollymath: (Default)
[personal profile] hollymath
I have been really quiet here lately -- reading a lot, commenting as much as I can, but having nothing to say for myself. For the simple reason that depression has been kicking my ass.

I'd been so anxious before this that now that the anxiety's gone I have nothing sufficiently stressing me out for me to do it. I've been sleeping a lot because what's the point of being awake? I've been failing to apply for jobs either because I misremembered the deadline or because I decided a few months of badly-paid admin wasn't worth applying for, even if it is for a charity I care about.

I follow lots of things for immigrants, disability, and queer people on Twitter, and when they advertise job vacancies I sometimes apply because I care about these things, but something always goes wrong. It's not a very good process to find a job, but I'm wary of stepping into the big world of job hunting because it tends to give me panic attacks and because I know most jobs would just make me more mental in six months than I am now. And I'm at far too high a baseline of mentalness right now to risk that.

I really need a low-stress job and so many things stress me out, and it's not something you can filter for. "Are the people who work here nice? Will they yell at me for things I don't know how to do?" These questions are not easily answered; it's probably no surprise a lot of my jobs have come from knowing someone who already works there, which helps answer these kinds of questions. But that's not something I can wait around for, either.

I have lately been harboring fantasies of going back to college (university, I'd have to learn to call it), which is surprising, frankly. And no help at all.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 04:16 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
<3 I'm sorry you are feeling so anxious and depressed.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 04:26 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
Yeah. That suuuuucks.

Empathy. (And no advice unless requested because I bet you've heard it all.) And sympathy too.

You are an awesome person and I hope you feel better soon.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 05:27 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
<3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 04:17 pm (UTC)
syntaxofthings: Death Fae from the Fey Tarot (Default)
From: [personal profile] syntaxofthings
<3 I have similar reactions to applying for jobs. You are not alone, and I wish it were easier.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 04:27 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
Yeah, help (that is actually helpful & good moral support) is a really good thing.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 05:41 pm (UTC)
norfolkian: Holtzmann from Ghostbusters licking a gun (Default)
From: [personal profile] norfolkian
Really sorry to hear this. Lots of things stress me out too - and job hunting is just awful.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-07 06:42 pm (UTC)
forests_of_fire: A picture of a brilliantly colored waterfall cascading into a river (Default)
From: [personal profile] forests_of_fire
-offers hugs- I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hope things ease up soon. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-08 12:57 pm (UTC)
gonewithoutjam: (Default)
From: [personal profile] gonewithoutjam
Good luck with anything you do apply for. Difficult to know how to break the cycle you're in but hopefully you can find the right thing to change.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-08 01:52 pm (UTC)
sfred: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sfred
<3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-08 03:00 pm (UTC)
barakta: (Default)
From: [personal profile] barakta
Sorry to hear depression is being vile again.

Jobhunting is demoralising and awful. I keep feeling guilty for not applying for ones I know I can't afford to live near or commute safely to. Spent 20 mins with Kim trying to work out if one in Bristol could be made viable but it really can't.

The whole thing seems to be designed to make you feel as worthless as possible through a secret competitive scary process. Hate it!

just keep swimming

Date: 2017-07-11 07:35 pm (UTC)
jesse_the_k: Finding Nemo's Dory, the adventurous fish with a brain injury (dain bramage)
From: [personal profile] jesse_the_k
<3

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hollymath: (Default)
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