hollymath: (Default)
[personal profile] hollymath
I went to see my friends' new house today and I was kind of an asshole about it. Because it was so great, and I'm so happy for them, but it was also hard not to be envious.

I don't like my house nearly as much and there was so much I wanted to change when we got it that immediately became unaffordable when I lost my job. It was such a long time ago and we're so much poorer now with little prospect of being able to afford the things that were supposed to happen then, much less anything I want changed cosmetically or less-essentially.

I thought I'd gotten better about this but last couple of months, it's been worse again. I just feel like I have no control over my environment, and I'm getting mopey and resentful and all the bad emotions about that.

I wish being happy for my friends didn't have to be mixed up with all this ugly shit in my own head and life.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-11 09:35 pm (UTC)
angelofthenorth: (Default)
From: [personal profile] angelofthenorth
*hugs*

Difficult but understandable.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 12:07 am (UTC)
sir_guinglain: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sir_guinglain
This is familiar to me. So much of the chaos in my flat arises from my not having very much employment in the past 11 years, and a lot of the upper-level depression too.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 09:48 am (UTC)
mtbc: photograph of me (Default)
From: [personal profile] mtbc
Absolutely. A decade ago I had found that a nice income actually does bring me happiness. I had a nice house and a good life, mostly, and took time to appreciate them. Since then my career has done rather worse and with no easy mechanism for recovery. So, while I know that I can do well and that I am happy when that happens, I am now stuck not doing as well and observing that many around me (including fellow alumni, etc.) are doing rather better. It's hard to be happy for them while not being a bit bitter too: I am sure not rushing to any reunions.

It's alarming that my main source of hope is that I can hang on in my current just-about-gets-us-by not-permanent-position job until my kids are in college, then I might be able to move to some small place in a country where property is cheaper while doing some as-yet-unspecified job that I can somehow get even though I'll be in my fifties by then.

Friends are kind and generous - we actually now have £100 in pocket from a relative who wants to pay for us to go to dinner! - and I think to myself that in more prosperous times at least I was commensurately generous back but now it is so easy to think why them and not me?. It feels like I screwed up and I get to live among others who don't seem to have done badly at all.

Of course, being barely able to rent a place that's not quite big enough (we sleep in bunk beds, etc.) means that it's invariably cluttered and more difficult to clean and that adds to the stress level.

So, good luck not dwelling on all that stuff! The best hope I can offer is that life is full of surprises and I figure not all of them can be bad. I do try to be grateful that things aren't worse still, e.g., at least our landlord isn't bothersome.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 10:49 am (UTC)
sfred: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sfred
I'm sorry - this is hard stuff.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 02:43 pm (UTC)
momentsmusicaux: (Default)
From: [personal profile] momentsmusicaux
It's really easy to feel envious when you're struggling with something and other people seem to have it a lot easier.
I get that all the time with all our friends who have kids and what looks from the outside like a ton of help from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends -- while we get at best a 3-day whistle-stop visit from a grandparent who takes the kids on his own for a grand total of 30 minutes in the whole visit. I get really envious when I hear of people who get whole weekends off from the kids! It's even worse when friends who get those weekends off, and grandparents helping regularly, then complain on social media about how hard it is... I feel like saying, NO, you have no fucking idea how hard it can be!

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 08:49 pm (UTC)
jesse_the_k: Knitted red heart pulses larger within green and blue square (Beating heart of love GIF)
From: [personal profile] jesse_the_k
nothing needs fixing. You have feelings, you've vented appropriately, and you've learned more about yourself. (My mantra: thoughts are not facts.)

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 02:46 pm (UTC)
momentsmusicaux: (Default)
From: [personal profile] momentsmusicaux
On a more practical note, are there any cosmetic fixes you can do on the cheap?

Back when I had not much money, and suffered from chronic fatigue, I very very slowly stripped my house of woodchip -- we're talking several months to do a single room. I also discovered that if you use matt paint, you can stop and start walls and it doesn't show, so I painted rooms doing a couple of widths of wallpaper at a time. Same goes for wallpaper, come to think of it - if you stick a plastic bag over the bucket of paste it keeps for several days.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-12 06:36 pm (UTC)
samanderson: (Wonder Woman)
From: [personal profile] samanderson
I would say it's a perfectly understandable reaction considering your situation

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-13 05:18 am (UTC)
lilysea: Tree hugger (Tree hugger)
From: [personal profile] lilysea
I remember when I was living in a horrible flat

- up a very steep flight of stairs that made my knees hurt badly;
- rusty shaky stair handrails;
- wet mossy slippery steps;
- peeling paint inside the house;
- dusty old carpet that never seemed clean
- always cold inside, especially the toilet
- near a noisy major road;
- with shouty angry downstairs neighbours that were constantly setting off my PTSD

I was invited to have dinner at a friends house.

Their house was
- no stairs
- in a quiet tree lined street
- close by restaurants, cafe and shops
- custom-made built-in bookshelves,
- beautiful wooden floorboards,
- floor-to-ceiling glass windows across an entire wall
- high ceilings
- charming back garden
- a massive SPA in their bathroom.

And I felt so sad, and so envious.

It's GENUINELY HARD when you want something that other people have, and you can't have it -

whether that's a living space that makes you happy

or a relationship when you're single

or having physical/mental energy when you're really sick/exhausted and everyone tells you about their holidays or hobbies or overseas trips or bushwalking

or a child when you're infertile.

It doesn't make anyone a bad person for feeling these feelings. These feelings are normal.

It's only a problem if you're mean to the person who has [thing that you want].

<3 <3 <3
Edited (extra detail) Date: 2017-07-13 05:20 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-15 06:54 am (UTC)
norfolkian: Holtzmann from Ghostbusters licking a gun (Default)
From: [personal profile] norfolkian
I get envious of other people too sometimes. And then I feel really guilty because I realise that I am in an enviable position compared with a lot of people.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-07-17 08:40 pm (UTC)
diffrentcolours: (Default)
From: [personal profile] diffrentcolours
FWIW, you weren't an asshole. It's OK to be envious and feel the things you do about lack of control and so on - I know what it's like to have those feels. The fact that you wrote this post demonstrates that you can separate being happy for friends from your other feelings.

Part of the reason we're happy to have this place is that it's a nice space for our friends to come and visit and hang out in, and you are always welcome.

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hollymath: (Default)
Holly

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