Epiphany

Apr. 29th, 2017 11:40 pm
hollymath: (Default)
My period showed up today, a rare and surprising event because the birth control I'm on means that I have only a few every year.

Usually they're pretty easy to manage but occasionally I have one that reminds me why I started taking the birth control in the first place. I used to be one of those people who'd miss a day of work a month with them. Missing a 5k obstacle course seems even more understandable.

But I'd been eating myself up about it. I worried that I wasn't "really" sick, or not sick "enough," that it's "just anxiety," that I was making excuses... This is common enough but I think it was especially bad because I was missing an exercise thing. The most virtuous of all things, exercise!

Skipping that wasn't just bad in a "I've already paid for this" sense, or a "I'm supposed to be doing this with my friend" sense, but in a moral sense. I try very hard not to attribute Goodness and Evil to various habits but obviously I'm failing miserably at that based on my reaction here. I know it's illogical but if you could logic yourself out of what society has ingrained into you, the world would be a very different place.

It might also explain part of why my emotions have felt so uncontrollable lately. Obviously some of that is legitimate--life has been demanding and stressful--but I've also been unsettled at the feeling that these reactions are unusual for me. That's been going on for too long to be PMS, but it means it's likely things are not as thoroughly awful as I'd imagined. Which is good, because everything has seemed pretty bleak lately and it'd be great to be wrong about that.

Morning

Feb. 24th, 2017 10:31 am
hollymath: (Default)
Sinus infection.

The amount of standing around in the cold waiting for inadequate public transport last night probably couldn't have helped, though the scratchy throat was there before I left, when the last bus of the night left me stranded.

The visit was useful anyway, getting help from a friend for a job interview I've gotten sorta by accident which I felt totally out of my depth for. I'm feeling out of my depth in other ways now, but better aware of the things I should do and worry about if I'm going to this interview.

Someone's calling me in an hour who's doing research on LGBT migration and looking for people to talk to I guess. Other than that, so far me and the dog are staying in bed today. I've started reading "The Story of Your Life," which Arrival is based on. I loved the movie, and apparently the book is even better.
hollymath: (Default)
So my mom's sister -- the nice one who moved back to Minnesota to look after my grandma who couldn't stay in her house on her own -- has cancer. All my mom's told me about it is "she'll need surgery as well as chemo."

My grandma, meanwhile, has just been told she has macular degeneration.
hollymath: (Default)
So remember my aunt with the severe burns and the broken ankle full of pins and plates?

I got an e-mail from my mom yesterday that just said she
has blood clots in her lungs. She is now at st. Mary's hospital. Depending how fast the clots dissolve as to when she gets to come home.
This is the whole e-mail. So it's left me with more questions than answers, starting of course with What?! Fucking WHAT?!

I mean, I guess if it's "when they dissolve she comes home" that means they will and she will. Mom doesn't seem worried at least. And...I guess it's a break for her and her sister who had been having to alternate spending a few days at a time with my grandma and this aunt, both of whom now need looking after; hopefully she'll get better care for the things already wrong with her if she's in a hospital (though if she's at St. Mary's (in Rochester) she's a long way from the specialist burn unit she had been visiting (in the Cities)!).

But...blood clots in your lungs sounds really bad? Why has this happened?! Are there any other complications from whatever's caused them, or likely to be?

And most of all Jesus when can my family and particularly my aunt catch a fucking break?!
hollymath: (Default)
So my mom has something wrong...something something temples something probably arteries?...that if left untreated could make her go blind. Of course it's being treated, but with something that could affect the functioning of her one remaining kidney. She's having a biopsy today and will let me know the results of that when she does herself.

Until then, my parents seemed cheerful enough on the phone yesterday (my dad thought I didn't know what Super Tuesday was, bless him; my mom was talking about my cousin's family; all seemed pretty normal).

But, and perhaps because today I've got no plans and not enough to distract myself, and maybe because a friend is having I-don't-live-in-the-same-country-as-my-aging-parents issues, perhaps because my life lately seems full of worries about the health of people I love...I'm utterly exhausted and not coping fantastically.
hollymath: (Default)


Gary and I have spent most of the day lying/sleeping on the couch.

I dragged one of the duvets downstairs and Andrew came over to tuck us under it (Gary has a Spike-esque love of being under blankets, especially head-first so sometimes you can see his tail sticking out and wagging gently).

"Funny, isn't it," I said as he draped the duvet over us, "as soon as you start your oh-noes-immunosuppressant-everyone-stay-away drugs, everyone else in your household gets sick." I've got Yet Another sinus infection; Gary probably ate something he shouldn't have off the ground on one of his walks the other day.
hollymath: (Default)
The hard sculpted plastic of the facemask bumped into my left shoulder. Then a jet of cool air shot directly into my left ear as Andrew moved slightly shifted position, to give me a squeeze before he turned to face away from me.

Ah, love in the time of CPAP machines!

A friend once described sleeping next to a partner who used one as "Darth Vader in an arctic desert," which does pretty accurately convey the feel and sound of this multimedia experience.

But...somehow, in a nice way. Really! I'm not complaining. Maybe because we both sleep so much better since his sleep apnea has been diagnosed and treated. And at times like this it does liven up a (otherwise really terribly dull and frustrating!) bout of insomnia!
hollymath: (Default)
...you borrow a jumper that has holes cut at the end of the sleeves you can put your thumbs through, and after a couple of days of this keeping your hands much warmer than usual you wish such alterations were available on the NHS so all your jumpers could keep your hands cozy.

...after turning off your lightbox, you notice it's hot but not so much it can't be touched so you rest your hands on it a while to warm them up (yay for seasonal disorders! this is the worst time of year for me in so many ways).

...you do the dishes just because it's an excuse to put your hands in hot water.
hollymath: (Default)
James assures me whisky is a good idea, even at nine in the morning, because it's medicinal. Bless him. For now, at least, I've stuck to tea with honey in it.

But whisky does sound like a good idea. Did I mention that there was water leaking from the bathroom through the kitchen ceiling last night?

Not fair

Feb. 27th, 2015 09:40 am
hollymath: (Default)
All week, with all the challenging things I had to do in it, my consolation was that Friday would make up for it.

James has the day off work, is going to come visit, and he, Andrew and I are going to watch old horror movies in the cinema. It sounded brilliant and I was so looking forward to it.

But yesterday I woke up with a nasty sinus infection, a headache and a really sore throat. I had my second appointment with the National Careers Service guy (which I do really want to write about before I forget it all, but I'm not up to it yet) and then my first visit to Manchester Eye Hospital. I survived everything and the day went better than I'd expected, but all the talking meant I have been in lots more pain since and pretty much unable to speak.

I went to bed early last night and felt almost okay until I was woken up when Andrew came to bed. The ibuprofen was hardly touching the pain and I also felt very feverish indeed. I was absolutely miserable but did manage to get back to sleep, until 6:30 when I woke up drenched in sweat but otherwise feeling a little better. I got out of bed, tried to eat something, and thought I was improving until Andrew got up a couple hours later and trying to talk to him didn't work at all and made my throat feel once again like it was being stabbed with tiny daggers. On fire.

So I had to text James and say "you're very welcome here today but I'm sick and can't talk and will be rubbish company." I've missed him and have been looking forward to seeing him but didn't want him to think he'd be getting his usual blathering girlfriend taking him out to lunch when instead he's getting a silent lump under a duvet. He says because of the plan for the cinema tonight he'll still come over this afternoon and I'm going to try to get some more sleep in hopes of seeming a bit more human by then, but I am especially petulant when I'm sick and just had to say it's not faaaaair! and I've been so good this week I want nice things! somewhere first.

Sigh

Nov. 9th, 2014 01:14 pm
hollymath: (Default)
Having reassured [livejournal.com profile] starbrow the other day that I was confident my back pain was muscle pain and not referred organ pain...now I'm starting to wonder. Hmph.

Actually, what I'm wondering is how coincidental I'm willing to believe this is. Because the muscle pain I had did go away in a few days and respond to rest and painkillers, as it should if it's muscle pain.

But. While on the first day my lower back just hurt generally, by the second day it was mostly just the left side so I figured that was where I'd actually pulled the muscle or whatever. Soon it was just a bit twingey. But now the twinges have turned into what I thought was just the pain of me overdoing it once I was no longer deterred by pain,,,but today I'm not so sure. Because today it's definitely my left side that hurts, and it just feels...not-muscley, now. Perhaps more organy. I dunno. It doesn't seem to get worse or better if I rest or move around or anything.

It seems suspicious that I've had two problems with the same part of my body in such quick succession, but my usual tactic of "my body makes no sense; ignore the problem and it'll go away", which I'm lucky enough to find success with almost all the time, isn't working now.

And it really is wearing me down. I'm not in a lot of pain but it's enough that I'm constantly aware of it, and that's exhausting and making me grumpy and short-tempered with people who don't deserve it. I also have problems with focus and concentration at the best of times lately, which this is not helping. Plus, the pain is exacerbated just enough by deep breaths that whenever I'm not paying attention, I'm breathing shallowly...which is a cause as well as an effect of my anxiety.

Luckily (?) I already have a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning, because I'm a mental, so I can ask about this too.
hollymath: (Default)
  • Wednesday/Thursday: two awful panic attacks two days running, that left me exhausted and miserable because they did their best to ruin every fun thing I was supposed to do
  • Over the weekend: some kind of flu-like thing so I was weak, achy, feverish, and being sick all night instead of sleeping, and again meant I missed something fun I wanted to go to
  • Since Tuesday night: Inexplicable but severe back pain, that again left me on the verge of throwing up in the middle of the night just because it hurt that much, and led to me spending a night in the spare room so I could try to find a comfortable position to lie in.
The back pain is still going on, but it's been progressively better the last couple of days.

Today I intend to relax and not have anything new happen to me. I think I've earned it.
hollymath: (Default)
Somehow it seems particularly unfair that I've got a mysteriously, but very and persistently, achy foot at the same time I'm having some kind of goddam existential crisis.

I can put up with physical or mental pain, but both at once always makes me feel like the universe owes me better.

Even though I know it doesn't. I'm lucky to have what I do, really.
hollymath: (Default)
I spent all yesterday afternoon wanting to shave my head, but realized I shouldn't make any important life decisions while I have a migraine.

I think it seemed like a good idea when I had a migraine because like how it feels (and how I feel is all I care about in the haze of pain and nausea), but I'm not sure I like how it looks (which is about as important to me when I have a migraine as which Beach Boys songs Andrew is putting on a CD for his brother).

It disappoints me that (the rest of the time) I'm still more vain than I think I am, certainly more than is good for me.

Urgh

Jan. 29th, 2014 09:32 am
hollymath: (Default)
Second day in a row that I wouldn't have gone to work if I wasn't already here.
hollymath: (Default)
I caught myself thinking, as I walked home from the train station, God, my knee hurts like buggery. And then, naturally, I thought, No, it doesn't. That doesn't hurt at all!

Regardless, my knee does hurt, and it's really annoying me. My only consolation today is that, instead of some boring explanation like "old football injury," I look forward in my old age to patting that knee affectionately and explaining "Old canal boat injury."
hollymath: (Default)
One of the times that I shared a room for sleeping with [livejournal.com profile] diffrentcolours, he said something about hoping he didn't snore too much. I replied that I was so used to snoring that I didn't know if I could sleep without it. And indeed as I remember he did snore a bit and I did find it soothing.

But it turns out I might not have been exaggerating for comic effect! This is Andrew's first night with his CPAP machine, and it's downright spooky. He's not making any noise (though I think the machine emphasizes the sound of his breathing a bit, but since it's regular breathing and not snorey at all, it's enough of a novelty that I'm intrigued to listen to it). He's not even fidgeting or thrashing around: I don't think he's moved since he fell asleep. The machine makes a bit of a whoosy noise but that's nothing compared to what I'm used to. Best of all, perhaps, my fidgeting, on the other hand (thanks, insomnia!) doesn't seem to be disturbing him, which means I don't feel bad for wrecking his sleep, which leaves us both calmer and less likely to be destructive influences on each other's sleep patterns.

The person we saw at the sleep clinic yesterday said that it might take a few weeks for the CPAP machine to have any really noticeable effect, and that since Andrew only has mild sleep apnea (though if waking up ten times an hour and snoring like you're an eldritch monstrosity not used to breathing this wicked atmosphere is considered "mild," "severe" must actually involve a goblin that sits on your chest and puts a pillow over your face) the machine's less likely to work for him, so I wasn't expecting anything so dramatic on the first night.

Of course I don't know if it's actually going so well from his perspective, and that's what matters -- it's not a stop-your-wife-from-being-woken-up machine -- but I think there is reason for optimism.
hollymath: (Default)
I'm so sick of being sick.

Never usually under the weather for more than a day at a time, I've found myself going almost two weeks with a carousel of symptoms, chasing each other in and out of my body. I thought I had my regular recurrent more-or-less ignorable sinusitis (starting with a sore throat that's stayed with me through everything else), then proper flu, then the sinus trouble again, then a dramatic cough and laryngitis, now the cough remains and my head starts to feel like it's full of concrete, again.

I know people consistently deal with far worse illnesses, but I am weak and I think that if I can't soon breathe without pain, I shall go mad.

Andrew actually said last night I should think about going to the doctor. This may be the first time he's ever recommended such a course of action to me (mostly he hates doctors). I happily agreed last night, already thinking I would feel better...and I did for a while, but as evening descends so does more discomfort and misery and bleak prospects. Again.

I'm really not very ill, and I don't think there's much doctors can do for me because the symptoms aren't severe or worrying, they're just persistent. But not feeling there's anything I can do is as bad for my brain as the pain is for my body.
hollymath: (Default)
I don't know what's worse: the migraine I knew I'd have on Monday, that was still leaving me feeling kinda shitty Tuesday, rearing its ugly head again yesterday evening, or me getting a whole new one already.

I'm not used to migraines lasting this long (I know they can for other people, but they haven't for me) or appearing this frequently (ditto; usually I get at least a month between them).

Whatever it is, I am lying in bed feeling sorry for myself rather a lot.
hollymath: (Default)
Last night, bored of being sick in bed, I got up to pee.

That was exciting. I had been thinking of getting myself a snack, but that was clearly a bad idea. I had a stabbing headache, an inability to walk without running into things, and a well-developed sense of self-pity.

It was so unfair. I felt fine when I'd been lying down!

I communicated some of this to Andrew (how ill I felt was mostly evident by the way I couldn't stand up without wobbling, but I had to say in words that I was hungry). He offered to get me the food.

"I can make a cheese sandwich or cheese on toast or a peanut butter sandwich or peanut butter on toast!" he said. "Or a banana."

Barring takeaway or the existence of pizzas in our freezer, this is the entire food menu of Andrew's restaurant.

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