Mar. 3rd, 2019

hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
There's a picture of some text that I've seen shared many times on Facebook, which shows how relatable my friends group finds it. It goes:
Hi. Sorry I haven't texted you back I've been anxious and depressed. I haven't had time to catch my breath, you know how life gets. I am so drained I can't even collect the energy for the most menial of tasks. Iike texting you back or washing the one dish in the sink. The weather has been beautiful, right? Yesterday I fought off a panic attack while I was driving. I had to pull over because my vision was blurred. I focused on how blue the sky was. I haven't washed my hair in three days. I just want to sleep all the time but if l told you you would want to uncover a reason behind all of this and there is no tangible reason you would accept as valid. How are you? I hope well. Let's get dinner soon!
I look at the entry I'm trying to write for today, a day when I wouldn't have written anything if I wasn't determined to blog every day this year, and I feel like it has both the crossed out parts and the other stuff together.

I thought it'd be good to blog every day to get some idea of how I'm spending my days, of the ephemeral things so soon forgotten otherwise. But some days, like today, there isn't anything to say about what I did, no clever anecdotes, I haven't even read anything to share. I tried to write that superficial stuff and it came out all wrong. I don't feel like I'm expressing myself well at all today. I tried adding the crossings-out and it finally made sense:

I can hear the wind howling outside. It's been cold and drizzly today. I didn't have a lot of fun waiting for the bus home (there's no shelter, and I finished work with 20 minutes to wait until the bus was due).

I walked to Asda afterward because we needed dog food. Andrew saw me come home with two bags and laughed. I said I'm just buying two of things these days. He reckons no-deal Brexit, i.e. the one where there's no food or medicine, is less likely now but I don't remember the details that convinced him of this because I only let him talk to me about politics for about two minutes a day before the panic rises (so no comments on the subject please). I'm already having nightmares and anxiety attacks. Friday was bad because it was March and March 2019 had been held over us like a threat for two years, so I wasn't coping very well with the fact that it was now real.

I bought snacks for myself because I feel rubbish so of course I only had junk food for lunch. I started some laundry and then slept for three hours. I've been awake another hour but I'm still so tired. My depression is so, so bad lately. I woke up with the dog snuggled up next to me. I was lying on my side and he was stretched out along my spine, the smallest big spoon in the world. I love it when he does that: it is the most comforting feeling.


hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)

April 2019

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