This again

Nov. 9th, 2018 10:04 am
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
[personal profile] hollymath
I went to bed really early last night so I woke up really early this morning. I spent about three hours on this week's assignment for the class with the shitty seminar rules, which I wrote about at that link.

It wasn't really three hours of work but it took so long because I kept hyperventilating or nearly breaking into tears and having to stop and do something else for a bit (like look for good music to play because nothing seemed to be right, and silence wasn't right either). Despite my best efforts to avoid it, I'm finding it really stressful.

Not that the work is fantastically hard -- it's complex and it's challenging but I don't feel as lost as I used to (so it's nice to know I was right to have that confidence in myself that I'd get there eventually, since that was all that got me through the early overwhelming weeks where I just tried to write good notes and trust that it wouldn't be gibberish one day). But I think it's just become a bit...tirggery?

This class is a bit like a math class in that each week you learn a bit more but it's all based on the earlier weeks' material, and I'm starting to find even things I know how to do just painful to hear about. I watch the videos to get things I don't understand explained to me and I just wince at hearing some of the words. Some of the more basic elements we're doing over and over and I'm shuddering when I write them down. I am developing weird and bad associations with the mechanics of what I need to do for this class.

To follow up on the other stuff I said in that entry: I did ask my disability advisor about extensions for these assignments and she told me that extensions are not automatic and linked me to a document that I definitely should have seen a year ago, which was about the rules for when they do and don't apply. And sure enough, this time they don't. Which she also, pretty unnecessarily, confirmed with my lecturer:
, “The idea behind the assessment is to make sure that students keep up with the work. This course is highly cumulative, so if you fall behind at any point the next topic will be difficult to understand and it can be difficult to recover. For this reason, they need to hand in work for every weekly tutorial. However, in order to make sure that they don’t have the pressure of performing equally well each week, they select 4 of their 11 tutorials for marking at the end of the semester. (They are also allowed to miss two tutorials without special circumstances.) In the tutorials, the exercises are worked through together and students mark their own work in the light of that discussion. There is of course also opportunity to ask about their own answer in the tutorial. I have two office hours per week and I strongly encourage students to come and see me during those, so if they are not sure about their answer after the tutorial, they can come and see me, and many do”.
I felt liek this was pretty 'splainy because I knew all of that and indeed have been to office hours and indeed special meetings outside office hours so I don't clog them up for everyone else and I still feel scared and miserable about this whole thing. I think I'd feel a lot better if the four best tutorials were automatically the ones we got graded on; it's the idea of having to choose myself that's really getting to me.

So I woke up early and got this week's work done but I am still pretty miserable.

I have more I want to talk about, about how uni is going, but I don't have time now: I have to get showered and dressed and packed for an overnight trip and go to this sodding seminar.

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-09 03:00 pm (UTC)
marjorie_bark: A lego figure that looks like me (Default)
From: [personal profile] marjorie_bark
I want to provide some helpful support for you, but I'm not sure what to suggest. But it sounds like you are really disciplined about what you need to do. It's annoying when you do everything right and still don't get any breaks after doing stuff that's a real effort. Degrees are a long slog. It's really hard in the second year when the end still feels very far away. Hope you find time later to write about the rest of the uni stuff. xx

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-09 04:21 pm (UTC)
purplecat: Hand Drawn picture of a Toy Cat (Default)
From: [personal profile] purplecat
However, in order to make sure that they don’t have the pressure of performing equally well each week, they select 4 of their 11 tutorials for marking at the end of the semester.

Reading between the lines, the purpose of this is to only have to mark 4 * number of students pieces of work rather than 11 * number of students pieces of work. Not that that's any comfort to you.

Reading through that, it looks like an approach which is attempting to make the process as flexible as possible within the constraints of resources available and what they are trying to achieve with the assessment. It gives me some confidence that those running this module will be keen to help you if they can and will, at least, take any requests for accommodation you make seriously. It's awful that it's proving so stressful to you, but honestly, that text reads to me as a lecturer who is genuinely engaged with helping students and does not view them as an irritant or a chore which is a big part of the battle.

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-09 07:59 pm (UTC)
purplecat: Hand Drawn picture of a Toy Cat (Default)
From: [personal profile] purplecat
So it doesn't even save him any work.

I suspect this is not the module lecturer's intent, but if he's really doing that then the whole you have to pick thing seems largely pointless (I mean, there is probably some pedagogic value in trying to get you guys to assess your own progress and ability, but it doesn't sound from the explanation given like its an important part of the intent of this particular assessment mechanism)

I don't have any idea what to suggest though, and we've only got four weeks of the semester left so I don't think there's much point now.

Yes, I've been looking through it all and trying to figure out what might help. In part because should I ever end up back in the setting assignments business, I'd like to avoid causing this kind of stress to students. However if the TA really has marked all your assignments already then an obvious accommodation to ask for is that your four best be picked by him/the lecturer. I think you could probably get this based on the fact, as it happens, it won't create any extra work for them and it is creating you undue stress and exacerbating various mental health issues.

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-09 05:52 pm (UTC)
kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
From: [personal profile] kaberett
This sounds exhausting and miserable. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-09 10:32 pm (UTC)
jesse_the_k: Hands open print book with right side hollowed out to hole iPod (Alt format reader)
From: [personal profile] jesse_the_k
+1

(I'm amazed at graduate school, period.)

(no subject)

Date: 2018-11-10 05:22 pm (UTC)
forests_of_fire: A picture of a brilliantly colored waterfall cascading into a river (Default)
From: [personal profile] forests_of_fire
-all the hugs-

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hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
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