hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
I didn't sleep well last night: the first time my sore throat woke me up was about 1am. It's such a miserable way to wake up, in pain that you didn't have (at least, I had only an ignorable amount) when you went to sleep. Again I admire my chronically ill friends and others who deal with worse painsomnia on such a regular basis.

I also woke up at 4something and 5something and worried I was up for good at 6:30 but I did manage to doze a little more eventually.

So while I didn't have a lot to do today, it was still exhausting. Nice to see [personal profile] mother_bones's youngest, who's just moved to Yorkshire from much further away. He said he thought of me the other day when he was making pancakes, because he was visiting his mum for Pancake Day last year and he and I made such a lot of them, savory and sweet, for everyone. I love pancakes, so it was a nice thing to be associated with!

This morning before we left York we had breakfast at the place we'd had lunch on Friday, because we'd noticed then that they did tasty-looking pancakes. Because I was so excited about the pancakes I jokingly planned to order them as a second meal after my tasty huevos rancheros. I'd forgotten all about this in the whirlwind of activity since, but I was glad [personal profile] diffrentcolours remembered it and planned it. I ended up with French toast (with fruit and ricotta and a drizzle of honey; yum) but it's still pancakes that'll make people think of me.

58/365

Feb. 27th, 2019 03:43 pm
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Less than six hours' sleep.

Three-hour class. Migraine. But I made it through it. Just. Glad I did; important group work happens on Wednesdays. But it's even harder to pretend to be a human in a small group than it is during a lecture.

Dark quiet room. Well mostly quiet. Cuddly dog.

Trying not to think about how much I have to do. I don't have time to be sick.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
My sinus infection is really bad today. I couldn't even get myself up in time for uni, and I hate missing things in the first week. I did too much today (but all boring stuff -- cleaning the bathroom, getting the spare room in a habitable state, doing dishes and laundry -- so no anecdotes there) and now I'm exhausted and my eyes hurt so this is all you get. Sorry.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Ugh, this weekend has turned into a race between me finishing my essay and the sinus infection really setting in.

I'm afraid the sinus infection is going to win, as I still have 700 words left to do and the first 700 took me three days.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Me when I got home from work two hours ago: I am so headachy and nauseous, I can't get any work done. I should try a nap and see if I feel better when I wake up.

Also me: Noooo, can't afford nap, must get essay work done.

Me: But I'm too sick for that.

proceeds to spend two hours not even in same room as computer, wasting time on phone and staring into space when too sick to look at phone

Also me: OH NO WHAT A COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE WASTE OF AN AFTERNOON.

Sick

Jan. 30th, 2018 02:35 pm
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
I came home sick from London on Sunday, slept from 5pm-1am and then 2am-8am on Monday and felt mostly better for it. Still a bit scratchy-throated, but at least I could function. I did laundry, finished editing Andrew's book, some stuff like that around the house. Felt optimistic about my prospects of feeling better in time for my first lecture of the semester today.

Ha.

Back to my usual five or so hours of sleep last night. Andrew went to Martin's bakery for breakfast food and I came downstairs to eat it. By the time I had, I was so shivery and headachy I had to go back to bed. I turned on the heat, dragged an extra duvet onto the bed with me and kept my dressing gown on when I climbed into bed and still took forever to feel warm again.

I don't want to be the disease vector I complained about freshers being last semester, but I also don't want to miss my first lecture. Especially because I will have to re-wrangle the disability support person to get me to where I'm going, since it's the first one (once I've been somewhere I'm fine doing it again). And since I've thought all day that I'm well enough to go, I won't have canceled the "support" worker (sorry, I can't resist the scare quotes) with sufficient notice to get that time back so if that means I don't get help in getting here (or somewhere else) at all... I'd be really mad. This is the kind of stupid shit disabled people always have to factor in.

Easiest to just dose myself up with ibuprofen and strepsils to stop the cough, not touch anything, and just suck it up and go, I think. It's only an hour.

Plan

Sep. 16th, 2017 08:23 pm
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Google says the thing making my feet horrible is probably... eczema! "Often caused by stress." Well, that explains why it first arrived when my parents visited! (Yes I know that was a long time ago. It's been flaring up and then almost-going-away ever since and every time it goes away I think it'll stay away and at least I'm doing something about it now.)

Can't even really make a GP appointment until I have a better idea of what my schedule will be like. Nnnrgh.

Plus I already have a follow-up appointment about my new meds, a smear test, and my first meeting with the Disabled Students Office this week, which is quite enough Health Work to be getting on with right now.

By the end of the week I will definitely know my class schedule (since it starts the week after that!) and will be able to make an appointment about my horrible feet. So at least I have a plan.

Self-pity

Sep. 2nd, 2017 12:49 am
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Whenever I get one of the random pains or illnesses that man is heir to (often, that menstruators are heir to), I'm left with so much more admiration for all the people I know who live with chronic pain and conditions that cause it.

I slept funny and hurt my neck. It's just a twinge, it's happened before, it'll go away. But in the meantime, the ibuprofen gel wasn't as helpful as I confidently believed it'd be, and it's not just that I can't move my head but that even sitting or lying still hurts. Moving my fingers moves my shoulders enough that it hurts.

It was hard to concentrate on what Andrew was saying. I felt dizzy. And yet this is a tiny thing compared to what many friends of mine and lots of other people deal with all the time and still manage to he clever, funny and kind. It really is amazing how people live with such high baselines for pain levels.

Epiphany

Apr. 29th, 2017 11:40 pm
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
My period showed up today, a rare and surprising event because the birth control I'm on means that I have only a few every year.

Usually they're pretty easy to manage but occasionally I have one that reminds me why I started taking the birth control in the first place. I used to be one of those people who'd miss a day of work a month with them. Missing a 5k obstacle course seems even more understandable.

But I'd been eating myself up about it. I worried that I wasn't "really" sick, or not sick "enough," that it's "just anxiety," that I was making excuses... This is common enough but I think it was especially bad because I was missing an exercise thing. The most virtuous of all things, exercise!

Skipping that wasn't just bad in a "I've already paid for this" sense, or a "I'm supposed to be doing this with my friend" sense, but in a moral sense. I try very hard not to attribute Goodness and Evil to various habits but obviously I'm failing miserably at that based on my reaction here. I know it's illogical but if you could logic yourself out of what society has ingrained into you, the world would be a very different place.

It might also explain part of why my emotions have felt so uncontrollable lately. Obviously some of that is legitimate--life has been demanding and stressful--but I've also been unsettled at the feeling that these reactions are unusual for me. That's been going on for too long to be PMS, but it means it's likely things are not as thoroughly awful as I'd imagined. Which is good, because everything has seemed pretty bleak lately and it'd be great to be wrong about that.

Morning

Feb. 24th, 2017 10:31 am
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Sinus infection.

The amount of standing around in the cold waiting for inadequate public transport last night probably couldn't have helped, though the scratchy throat was there before I left, when the last bus of the night left me stranded.

The visit was useful anyway, getting help from a friend for a job interview I've gotten sorta by accident which I felt totally out of my depth for. I'm feeling out of my depth in other ways now, but better aware of the things I should do and worry about if I'm going to this interview.

Someone's calling me in an hour who's doing research on LGBT migration and looking for people to talk to I guess. Other than that, so far me and the dog are staying in bed today. I've started reading "The Story of Your Life," which Arrival is based on. I loved the movie, and apparently the book is even better.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
So my mom's sister -- the nice one who moved back to Minnesota to look after my grandma who couldn't stay in her house on her own -- has cancer. All my mom's told me about it is "she'll need surgery as well as chemo."

My grandma, meanwhile, has just been told she has macular degeneration.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
So remember my aunt with the severe burns and the broken ankle full of pins and plates?

I got an e-mail from my mom yesterday that just said she
has blood clots in her lungs. She is now at st. Mary's hospital. Depending how fast the clots dissolve as to when she gets to come home.
This is the whole e-mail. So it's left me with more questions than answers, starting of course with What?! Fucking WHAT?!

I mean, I guess if it's "when they dissolve she comes home" that means they will and she will. Mom doesn't seem worried at least. And...I guess it's a break for her and her sister who had been having to alternate spending a few days at a time with my grandma and this aunt, both of whom now need looking after; hopefully she'll get better care for the things already wrong with her if she's in a hospital (though if she's at St. Mary's (in Rochester) she's a long way from the specialist burn unit she had been visiting (in the Cities)!).

But...blood clots in your lungs sounds really bad? Why has this happened?! Are there any other complications from whatever's caused them, or likely to be?

And most of all Jesus when can my family and particularly my aunt catch a fucking break?!
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
So my mom has something wrong...something something temples something probably arteries?...that if left untreated could make her go blind. Of course it's being treated, but with something that could affect the functioning of her one remaining kidney. She's having a biopsy today and will let me know the results of that when she does herself.

Until then, my parents seemed cheerful enough on the phone yesterday (my dad thought I didn't know what Super Tuesday was, bless him; my mom was talking about my cousin's family; all seemed pretty normal).

But, and perhaps because today I've got no plans and not enough to distract myself, and maybe because a friend is having I-don't-live-in-the-same-country-as-my-aging-parents issues, perhaps because my life lately seems full of worries about the health of people I love...I'm utterly exhausted and not coping fantastically.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)


Gary and I have spent most of the day lying/sleeping on the couch.

I dragged one of the duvets downstairs and Andrew came over to tuck us under it (Gary has a Spike-esque love of being under blankets, especially head-first so sometimes you can see his tail sticking out and wagging gently).

"Funny, isn't it," I said as he draped the duvet over us, "as soon as you start your oh-noes-immunosuppressant-everyone-stay-away drugs, everyone else in your household gets sick." I've got Yet Another sinus infection; Gary probably ate something he shouldn't have off the ground on one of his walks the other day.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
The hard sculpted plastic of the facemask bumped into my left shoulder. Then a jet of cool air shot directly into my left ear as Andrew moved slightly shifted position, to give me a squeeze before he turned to face away from me.

Ah, love in the time of CPAP machines!

A friend once described sleeping next to a partner who used one as "Darth Vader in an arctic desert," which does pretty accurately convey the feel and sound of this multimedia experience.

But...somehow, in a nice way. Really! I'm not complaining. Maybe because we both sleep so much better since his sleep apnea has been diagnosed and treated. And at times like this it does liven up a (otherwise really terribly dull and frustrating!) bout of insomnia!
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
...you borrow a jumper that has holes cut at the end of the sleeves you can put your thumbs through, and after a couple of days of this keeping your hands much warmer than usual you wish such alterations were available on the NHS so all your jumpers could keep your hands cozy.

...after turning off your lightbox, you notice it's hot but not so much it can't be touched so you rest your hands on it a while to warm them up (yay for seasonal disorders! this is the worst time of year for me in so many ways).

...you do the dishes just because it's an excuse to put your hands in hot water.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
James assures me whisky is a good idea, even at nine in the morning, because it's medicinal. Bless him. For now, at least, I've stuck to tea with honey in it.

But whisky does sound like a good idea. Did I mention that there was water leaking from the bathroom through the kitchen ceiling last night?

Not fair

Feb. 27th, 2015 09:40 am
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
All week, with all the challenging things I had to do in it, my consolation was that Friday would make up for it.

James has the day off work, is going to come visit, and he, Andrew and I are going to watch old horror movies in the cinema. It sounded brilliant and I was so looking forward to it.

But yesterday I woke up with a nasty sinus infection, a headache and a really sore throat. I had my second appointment with the National Careers Service guy (which I do really want to write about before I forget it all, but I'm not up to it yet) and then my first visit to Manchester Eye Hospital. I survived everything and the day went better than I'd expected, but all the talking meant I have been in lots more pain since and pretty much unable to speak.

I went to bed early last night and felt almost okay until I was woken up when Andrew came to bed. The ibuprofen was hardly touching the pain and I also felt very feverish indeed. I was absolutely miserable but did manage to get back to sleep, until 6:30 when I woke up drenched in sweat but otherwise feeling a little better. I got out of bed, tried to eat something, and thought I was improving until Andrew got up a couple hours later and trying to talk to him didn't work at all and made my throat feel once again like it was being stabbed with tiny daggers. On fire.

So I had to text James and say "you're very welcome here today but I'm sick and can't talk and will be rubbish company." I've missed him and have been looking forward to seeing him but didn't want him to think he'd be getting his usual blathering girlfriend taking him out to lunch when instead he's getting a silent lump under a duvet. He says because of the plan for the cinema tonight he'll still come over this afternoon and I'm going to try to get some more sleep in hopes of seeming a bit more human by then, but I am especially petulant when I'm sick and just had to say it's not faaaaair! and I've been so good this week I want nice things! somewhere first.

Sigh

Nov. 9th, 2014 01:14 pm
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
Having reassured [livejournal.com profile] starbrow the other day that I was confident my back pain was muscle pain and not referred organ pain...now I'm starting to wonder. Hmph.

Actually, what I'm wondering is how coincidental I'm willing to believe this is. Because the muscle pain I had did go away in a few days and respond to rest and painkillers, as it should if it's muscle pain.

But. While on the first day my lower back just hurt generally, by the second day it was mostly just the left side so I figured that was where I'd actually pulled the muscle or whatever. Soon it was just a bit twingey. But now the twinges have turned into what I thought was just the pain of me overdoing it once I was no longer deterred by pain,,,but today I'm not so sure. Because today it's definitely my left side that hurts, and it just feels...not-muscley, now. Perhaps more organy. I dunno. It doesn't seem to get worse or better if I rest or move around or anything.

It seems suspicious that I've had two problems with the same part of my body in such quick succession, but my usual tactic of "my body makes no sense; ignore the problem and it'll go away", which I'm lucky enough to find success with almost all the time, isn't working now.

And it really is wearing me down. I'm not in a lot of pain but it's enough that I'm constantly aware of it, and that's exhausting and making me grumpy and short-tempered with people who don't deserve it. I also have problems with focus and concentration at the best of times lately, which this is not helping. Plus, the pain is exacerbated just enough by deep breaths that whenever I'm not paying attention, I'm breathing shallowly...which is a cause as well as an effect of my anxiety.

Luckily (?) I already have a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning, because I'm a mental, so I can ask about this too.
hollymath: Selfie: white person, three-quarter profile, smiling, brown hair shaved on the side we can see, chin-length on the other (Default)
  • Wednesday/Thursday: two awful panic attacks two days running, that left me exhausted and miserable because they did their best to ruin every fun thing I was supposed to do
  • Over the weekend: some kind of flu-like thing so I was weak, achy, feverish, and being sick all night instead of sleeping, and again meant I missed something fun I wanted to go to
  • Since Tuesday night: Inexplicable but severe back pain, that again left me on the verge of throwing up in the middle of the night just because it hurt that much, and led to me spending a night in the spare room so I could try to find a comfortable position to lie in.
The back pain is still going on, but it's been progressively better the last couple of days.

Today I intend to relax and not have anything new happen to me. I think I've earned it.

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